Explaining Trauma and Forgiveness to a Child

When parents face the tough task of explaining traumatic experiences to a child, the emotional weight can become overwhelming. Children depend on us to shield them from pain, yet life often challenges us to confront difficult truths. I recently encountered such a moment, where I had to explain a complex and heartbreaking situation involving my daughter's grandfather—my own father—and the betrayal of trust that came with it.

Behind my house, there’s a quiet wooden bench by the lake. I often find myself sitting there when the heaviness of this story feels too much to carry. It has become the place where I pray, gather strength, and steady myself while embracing hard truths. That was where I sat with my daughter the day I told her what had happened—gazing at the water, asking God to help me find words that were both honest and tender. Words she could understand, grieve over, heal from, and eventually forgive.

In this post, I will share my experience of discussing trauma and forgiveness with my daughter, what emotions we faced together, and the lessons learned during this journey.

The Moment of Truth

The day I broke the news to my daughter is one I will never forget. I had carried this painful truth for some time, knowing I could no longer delay sharing it. My daughter has always held a deep affection for her grandfather, and the thought of breaking that image was daunting. But she had been asking—wondering—and I could tell her curiosity wasn’t going to fade. She deserved the truth.

So I sat her down with me on that wooden bench by the lake, my heart heavy with both anxiety and determination. I knew honesty was crucial, but I also longed to shield her from the overwhelming details. Taking a deep breath—and whispering a quick prayer—I shared the news: her grandfather was going to prison.

I paused, watching her face, and gently explained that he had hurt her brother and his friend. I asked if she understood and to tell it back to me, which she did with heartbreaking clarity. Then I asked how she was feeling. Her answer was simple: “Sad.”

Hearing those words come from her mouth—a brief description of the offense and a simple acknowledgment of her feelings—broke something inside me that I’m not sure will ever fully heal.

And then, just as quickly, she went on with her day. No tears, no sorrow written on her face. Only the quiet weight of sadness she chose not to linger on. It was a sobering reminder that children often carry trauma differently than adults—tucking it away, holding it in silence, while the rest of life keeps moving forward.

Understanding Her Emotions

Children frequently lack the words to express their feelings, especially when facing trauma like betrayal and abuse. While my daughter didn’t show outward sorrow, I could sense the weight of her understanding. I knew I had to acknowledge her emotions without overwhelming her.

I quietly reassured her that feeling sad—or even just knowing something was wrong—was okay, and that her feelings mattered. I made sure she knew she could ask any questions she had, no matter how small or difficult. I explained that, while we couldn’t see Grandpa right now, we could pray for his healing, and that God had already forgiven him. I encouraged her to share whatever she could, but I also respected that she might need time to process everything internally. Creating a safe space for her emotions was crucial, even if she didn’t articulate them aloud.

The Role of Forgiveness

While discussing this painful topic, I felt it necessary to bring up forgiveness. As people of faith, we try to walk in the way God calls us to, and forgiveness is a crucial part of that journey. I explained to my daughter that God has already forgiven Grandpa, and that, in time and space, we will work toward our own forgiveness too—acknowledging that we don’t have to be anywhere close to it right now.

I let her know that a lot of times I am still struggling with and figuring out what I feel. For now, our focus is on praying for his healing and growth, and trusting that he continues to take the steps to get better. Forgiveness isn’t something we force—it’s a process. First, we acknowledge our feelings, give them to God, and let Him carry the weight of what is too heavy for us. Gradually, as we see change and healing, we can move toward releasing our own anger and resentment.

I wanted her to understand that this is a personal journey, and it’s perfectly fine for her to take her time. Even quietly acknowledging that she could hold both the sadness and the choice to forgive was enough.

The Importance of Justice

Alongside forgiveness, I emphasized the necessity of justice. I explained to her that Grandpa knew he was wrong and that her brother did nothing wrong. Grandpa, as the adult, would face consequences for his actions—prison. I reassured her that seeking justice for those who have been hurt is both right and important.

I also let her know that we can talk more down the road about what justice means and how we live into it as followers of God. This conversation wasn’t only about Grandpa's actions—it was about helping her understand the complexities of human behavior, standing up for what is right, and feeling secure in the knowledge that she could always come to me with her questions, no matter how difficult they might be.

Looking Ahead

While this conversation about Grandpa has paused for now, I know it’s only the beginning of a longer journey. There is still much to process, and more questions and feelings will surface over time. For now, I hold space for my children’s emotions and my own, trusting God to guide us through the difficult moments.

Tomorrow, I plan to sit with both of my children again—perhaps together on the bench by the lake—to continue exploring their feelings, answering questions, and walking with them through the path toward understanding, healing, and eventual forgiveness. It is a step-by-step process, and for now, it is enough to take it one day at a time.